People Using Different Languages Will Soon Be Able To Communicate Via Facebook.
I met him on pof. Wanted to communicate via text. I never figured out how he knew my first name. Says he is from Germay. Very sexy 57 yr old man.
Played me for a month before asking for money. I reported him on Zoosk and blocked him. He said that he downloaded the App when he visited Cape Town last month. Won a contract for work on Cambodia oil refinery. Wife passed away about 6 years ago.
He's originally from Paris France. He says he's originally from Norway working for the Exxon Mobil company in Idaho as a staff contractor. I enjoy the thrill of pulling these scumbags offline so they do not prey on other women. Well she is a widow and this guy got her heart. I installed Hitwe tonight and I saw a nice girl there Clicked like and start talking to her.
He said he was an under water welder and worked for BP. Claim to be an underwater welder. It's a test of your allegiance.
He is divorced 3 years now. His ex wife Jenny, lives in … Click here to write your own. He picked my profile from Match. He goes by the name of Mr. On match profile white guy. Got talking very sweet guy. He's been active on Tagged, … Mr. I had his page shutdown. They have reopened the page with the same stolen photo, different city.
Thanks God, He sent me an alert. I met this guy from Christian Mingle, posted a very handsome man's photo. He said to be a Marine Engineer in Alabama … Tomsondavis gmail.
I have been so dum as I opened a checking account in my … Bharatmatrimony. Devraj Balavans claims to be a surgeon living in California. Well shortly after accepting me, he suggested we move it to his email. Said his name is Crawford John and is a sgt. Right before we were to meet on a date he had to go out of the country to Kuala Lumpur for a … Soldier wana be on facebook. I was on a site called Baddoo just to me some people to talk to about ethics and try to get a feel of different countries around the world nothing more.
I am a very educated person and I ain't dumb either. His username was flut He claims to have been married and lost … Eng. I had experience in the past of someone messing with my profile after they were given my email. Been scammed by a person calling himself Natan Hansen. A widower with a 8 year old daughter. He was a self employed computer programmer for 18 years. Paul Bradley contacted me on Facebook. Said I was so beautiful and would like to chat with me. Within a few weeks he fell madly in love with me.
He sent me a picture of a very handsome man. He left the Seattle area to work in the … David Kelly is the man you need to stay away from! He is a very good manipulator! Tells you everything you want to hear.
His wife died of cancer. He has two daughters who are off in a private school. He told me a story about losing his wife and daughter … engineersmithbrooks gmail. Just like everyone said, moved quickly to private email. He took down his profile quickly to show that he found the one. Said he was a construction engineer. Fell deep in love and he said he is in the military. Said he was deployed to Nigeria. I met someone off of okcupid stating he was an U S Army soldier special forces. Met him on Skype.
Said he was a widow and his son is stuck in Ghana and they stole his wallet, his passport and could I send his son money This guy is a scammer - a fake. I come in contact with a guy I met on Blackplanet. He is very dangerous. He appeared on the site Be2. Beautiful photos, just not true. His wife died from cancer.. She met a man on Facebook playing Farmville and it grew into a relationship to … melanie.
I found her on cupid. Promise of love and marriage. He is a fraud and will ask you for lots of money. Claims to being a widow. Using a blackberry to send emails. He said he was from Houston Texas and he is on assignment in Afghanistan fighting terrorism. I am a 55 year old widow who posted a profile on match. He is also on skype. Just found his photo on the Hawaii models site - Hugh. Something in my instincts said that was not right. We were both on a dating site and he quicky asked me to jump over to Yahoo and use regular email so I set up a bogus … match.
Just wanted to share this story so that it will not happen … Nigerian Scammer He claimed residence in Irving Tx. I was contacted by this guy the first note; Hello xxx I dont know where to begin, I'm so glad you wrote back! I was contacted through skype by white man working as a civil engineer in Nigeria. Living there with his son who is 12 named Alvis. After careful consideration, I have decided to expose this scammer. In case you are wondering how I know him, I am a recovering scam victim and … Click here to write your own.
Wife died of lungcancer. She will spend the necessary time to develop a relationship with you. I was a bit surprised because he gave me his phone number on his first contact and asked me to talk … Christopher James aka christopherlovingsoul yahoo. His pictures make him out to be a very attractive man and he is very well spoken.
Emails will melt your … Zoosk. This woman does not live in Colorado Springs, Co!!!! I was on Facebook when I recieved a message from a very attractive woman that goes by the name of Zusan Collins.
I met him on Skout. He claims his mother is in the hospital with kidney problems. He's from LA and he is As I was in my 40's I thought I would join a site for over plus … I've been scammed by the Nigerian dating scam!
I met Bobbi Mary Billard exactly one year ago. Not that I am in a desperate search for Mrs. He said was a widow living in BC. After 10 days of chatting , on … Nigerian Dating Scams - scammed big time!
I don't even know why I'm writing this - I think i'm just so full of hurt, anger and so many other emotions I don't know where else to talk about it. Oil Rigs, currently off coast of Canada. He caught me at a very low point in my life as I was emotionally trodden. I'm ashamed to say … Stayaway from Americans4kenyans. As I have been an occasional victim of dating scammers, I decided to do a Reverse … Click here to write your own.
This one is on Tinder, Instagram and Fb. After … Tim Potente.. His name he said was Sean Franklin itz-sfranki aol. He states that his 3 month contract is almost up and he has tons of money.
That his daughter is married and expecting her first child. Loved me so much after a day or two. His email is doctor robert19 gmail. I encountered him last year. He sent very different photos of himself and he works offshore on the pipelines. But glad I stopped when I did. A love story with a young lady from Nigeria. Hes very very good and plays for the long haul and payout.
Hes patient and does his research. Another engineer scam, but he's actually in Lagos, Nigeria. Although he never called me honey, baby, my wife etc I just feel something is not right. He contacts a women then starts to talk to her on other forms, ask for … Shane Mario Antony. Probably not his real name and claims to be a widower with two children.
He said he got a big contract in London. Wants to finish the … Mark Austin Fake! Mark A -could be changed now as well, … Dummy in Seattle Profile pic is man holding little boy in a pool.
He contacted me on IG and uses some poor guys pictures and is posing as a Christian. Wanted to share additional photos in case he's using these photos now instead. Ryan Parker about 2 weeks ago. He is saying he's from Texas, has an 8 yr. If its too good to be true then it usually is.
Two weeks in to communication he goes to South Africa. Wife died 9 or 10 years ago. Charming and makes promises of love and wanted to … Scammer using the identity: The scammer has the email Peter. He is nothing but a POS that Facebook creep.
Pretends to be an engineer from California that travels … Dr. The other guestion is: Goes by the name of Chris Stewart in the U. On a "national assignment in Kandahar, Afghanistan. American women aren't as foolish as he would like to think. Widow, wife killed in a car accident, one son in scholmsmewhere in the uk.
Extremely romantic, called me his wife, queen, etc. Very heavy accent with … Click here to write your own. I was very vulnerable. Thank the Lord I didn't lose any money. I have created two FB groups where you can post pics. Working on an oil rig in Scotland, wife died, 13 year old son Ryan. A sympathetic man, at that time on a UN mission in Syria. Single widow with son really good talker builds relationship then goes for the money. Sweet talker then goes in for the money. I clicked on his picture and we quickly became friends.
It must be lucrative for him. He follows business women. He started with that he was working in Ireland on an oil rig.
Claims to be from Italy, widowed with 1 daughter. Praying on single women. He is nice and charming and behaves a little, as he could not tarnish any waters. He says he is of Italian descent by the name of William. Not rated yet Presented himself as Hoffa Cruz. Photos stolen from Gustavo Lazo Oval. Parents and wife and daughter all killed at once leaving him with a granddaughter.
This dude showed up on Words with Friends as well. He asked my ring size and address. How are you doing? My name must be on a list or something now lol. He just contacted me today … Click here to write your own. So-Called Engineer with teenager daughter seeking wife mom!! Not rated yet I was not in the market. I wanted to play my game. So this engineer on a platform on the high seas, sees my pic and is immediately in love.
Jeff blake's email is jeffblak mail. This guy asked to follow me on instagram and I thought he was kinda cute so I accepted. They are alone at the moment with the watchmaker. He asked for money. A Civil engineer who is self employed. Age 56 and has home in Maryland. The scammers steal the most handsome pictures and he sent me one almost everyday.
He was self employed and was a civil engineer. How do you know if you're being friend requested by a scammer? Not rated yet States he works on an oil rig in the Gulf. Sweet talks for a couple of weeks and introduces his so called daaughter and starts asking for money.
I am from Sweden. Friend request from Facebook. His name there was Richard Hanson. Thunder horse, oil rig, widow. They are all scammers Johnson Akute nerosurgeon in Syria. Coming home soon and has 2 kids in boarding school. Did reverse image through tineye. He said he fell in love at first sight after seeing my profile picture. Mine was "Hello Pretty". After a few back and forth chats, he seemed nice enough so we become Facebook Friends. Asked me to chat on KIK. It didn't take long to notice it was a scam.
I've been slammed by potential Scammers. First were the one's posing as USA military. Watch for these Phone Numbers: He is such a smooth lover and anyone would beleive him that he is sincere.
I blame … Nigerian dating scams Jeffersondavies gmail. He is a good one. Plays with your emotions. Never heard of thid sight but I am happy I found it.
His name is Lewis Walters. He claims to have a daughter Laura, in college in Louisianna. He says he is a US Navy Dr. Getting ready … Raymond A. Not sure what the end game was, but all info was BS. Construction engineer living in Sanger, CA, currently on assignment in Chicago.
Richard, 22 year old son in college in North Carolina. He … David Hunter. Not rated yet Hey years ago I was on a site called Tagged. I have a new one for you. Andrew Scott just asked me for friendship. I wish I knew the real name not this picture. His story is that he's a single father of two kids, Jane and Jade who are 4 and 2 … Click here to write your own. Her email address is or was wilsonbianca gmail. Her name is Donna Tom, from Lagos Nigeria.
Dont fall for her beauty. Here are some graphic pictures … Beware this two timer has several aliases. Not rated yet Claims to be a business owner who is traveling the world doing onsite, hands on jobs. Was trying to scam my mother until my sisters and I did some digging. He sent sweet pictures of a handsome guy claiming to be from Belgium but living in Germany where I live.
Bad english, spoke of … Plentyoffish. I saw the red flags, did some investigating, and warned her. His email is jbradley yahoo.
They wanted money to help with other things. He needs to go to jail. Hello just wanna tell you more about me and my job Handsome pictures and then he is going to Africa for business purposes. We chatted and then planned to meet for a coffee. Suddenly, his profile disappeared from POF. Why do people send money to someone they have never met? The fakers name is Matt.
He said he was a white guy with a child and said he was with the US army. He claims to be a assistant cardiologist for the United Nations in Seattle. But in reality he came from India. He asked me if I wanted him to take leave and requested me to fill out a fake form.
Don't let it escalate that far if you can … DR. I have seen many other apparent American serviceman who appear to be based no where near an … Nigerian Woman Scammer claiming to be from St. She has about 6 Facebook accounts at least and contacted … shelby.
She has a child as she claims. Just about 2 months ago she asked me for some money to help her with … Young white girl need help to come to the usa. I told him it was too good to be real.
At first he had courting me thru chat until he proposed that he loves me. She said she was born in UK long Blond Hair He had a project in Nigeria. This guy is big time scammer. Has silver hair, dark eyes glasses, boyish smile. Very tall 6'7" and calls you love within first week. He is claiming to be an American soldier, stationed in Damascus, Syria.
Met on Mingle2 but am sure he is on other sites. I have been approached by about 80 of them myself. On dating sites many of them He went by Antonio Giordano with me.
Works out of Malasia He would ask to send money to Malasia. He will tell you things like you are his angel and love of his life, but then ask … Jason Duncan. Geological engineer, left Shell in Claimed to live in naples FL. Claimed to own a antique business here in naples and had to go to Lagos on a business deal. They have never met in 2 years.
She does not believe us. His email is davidwatts63 yahoo. I'm a widow so was he. After accepting his friendship, … I thought he really loved me. Not rated yet I was totally scammed by a man named Paul Bradley, said he was a global contractor in Lagos.
We talked for almost 2 years, he said he his wife and daughter … How many Americans are there stranded in Nigeria? Not rated yet I became single a few months back Has a 15 year old son David. His ex wife took him for millions. He has a fake engineering site with his fake picture on it. She had been horribly hurt by her boyfriend and contemplated suicide. I met her on the dating site Mate 1.
He told me he is in the us army and based in Nigeria. Within a few hours he told me he loved me and wants to … john okosun a. Don't accept and believe him he as is a scammer. He was supposed to be a civil engineer working in the UK on a temporary assignment. He supposedly was a widower; his … ruiscott yahoo.
After a while he said i am working in benin and after that i will go to lagos. He said his name is Peter. He sent me a message asking me to IM him on yahoo. He sent me his yahoo name but it was not valid. I talk to him on the phone and his voice does not match up with his pic. Not rated yet My mom was scamed She didn't tell me much about it but all I know is, she was talking to a guy friend who was from New York with the name of David.
Be careful they are liars and will tell you anything to get money from you. Not rated yet I met Andrew Balder on match. He claimed to be a successful geologist from UK Kent bidding for a big contract to work in my country, but will have to work … Beware of Frank Bouch!!!
Not rated yet Charmer with a sexy voice Wanted money for living expenses due to family emergency.. He will ask for u. I accepted his request because he … Zoosk; Graybobby yahoo. That's all she wrote This scammer sent me a message asking me to text them.
Not rated yet A lady got in contact with me via Skout named Jenifer Smith. She was in a car accident in Nigeria and now can't get back to the US due to doctor … Michael Collins. His name he was using at the time was David Brooks. This man told me that he lived in Louisiana. We chatted for a few weeks when he told me … good thing i checked this site!
Not rated yet I really think this is a scam! They might use it for their scam! Anyways here's what she said.. The name he used was Rodney Mark Bryan claiming to be a widowed 52 year … Match. He was on Our Time. He is a construction engineer working on a project in West Africa. Nigerian Dating Scams Review Share your story, tip, or review with the world! Upload Pictures [?
Click here to see the rest of the form and complete your submission. First of all, the majority of …. He says he is half American half German, lives in Hamburg, working for …. He wanted to go home …. Said he was an oil rig contractor in the …. Click here to write your own. Even though everyone was telling me this is fake and I had so many warning …. I asked for ….
Claimed to be originaly …. We exchange small talk here and there, and ultimately I …. Has friends in Nigeria …. George", CEO, is a man wearing an open collar casual cotton shirt and is standing casually …. Wasn't born last night! I thought that someone on WWF would be smart …. After one week we started to chat and …. His name is Charles …. To cut a long story short in I received a message on …. Within two minutes they …. Wooed me for a month with darling, baby, ….
Has anyone else been scammed …. Most of them lost …. They sound so pitiful but you just know within …. He sent me photos, I sent him photos and we liked each other ….
His wife Lizzy …. Now you've got me wondering The whole familiar story that I am reading on here, he's an oil rig contractor …. This man cannot …. Loves you instantly and wants to come to your country to be with …. His wife died of cancer and has an 8 year old daughter …. Roy was not as slick as David, but they both thought we were destined to be …. Chris Grant, Trauma Surgeon? He claims he's from the UK, been …. I think he …. He is a geologist who bids on jobs and he won a job that ….
When you don't comply on a timely matter he claims there are dumurage fees …. She says she's 32 on May 24th, lives in Nigeria somewhere and sends some extremely nice pics not nude or …. He went by the name Anthony ….
After months of refusing to send money to who I now know to be a scammer, …. He's in Nigeria …. He is an independent engineering …. He's been active on Tagged, …. She has tried …. His Name is Richard …. He said to be a Marine Engineer in Alabama …. I have been so dum as I opened a checking account in my …. He posted a photo of someone who is a good-looking man, maybe Italian ….
As a result, he always writes from a place of deep vulnerability. He also writes beautifully. No wonder Oprah went gaga over his book when she found out about it in You can either watch the livestream or go to watch from the archives right now for no charge perhaps the Nov 9 service will be of interest; lecture starts around He is one industrial-strength wallop of inspiration and the best living orator I know.
The services are spiritually-oriented and non-denominational. There are some recurring themes to his messages: Rev Michael was a pivotal part of starting my writing career 11 years ago.
He is an extraordinarily helpful resource in times of trouble or joy. Meditation has been the single most transformative practice I have taken up. It has made me a calmer, less reactive, more thoughtful person.
The first thing I do every morning is meditate, and I consider it the most important part of my day. For someone deep into meditation, the list of teachers reads like the Team USA Basketball team roster: I am not exaggerating when I say these folks are the best at what they do:.
Should you decide to purchase a package of the recordings, I receive a part of the proceeds. Meditation is the life-changing practice, and I sincerely hope you can join me. Click here to sign up. Do you know what to do to make that pitch great every time? Or are you leaving those crucial turning points to chance? I get a lot of letters from readers. There are common themes to these letters: Why do I behave this way?
Why does he do that? Can I trust men? Is a long-term committed relationship even possible? But rarely does a letter hit all of those themes at the same time. Martha, a very thoughtful 30yr old graduate student from Oregon sent me this letter recently. But I tend to come up with philosophical and existential questions that make everything harder. This expands to different areas in life, specifically relationships.
Learning that I belong to the anxiously attached category helped me understand the painful break-ups and self-destructive patterns of thinking that followed. In my life these external resources have been: Along with that, I was exposed to continuous fights over parental infidelity, leading me to lose trust in men. Since I was also criticized a lot, I always wanted to be more, which served me well but also with the downside of never being happy with who I was.
I also wonder if I lack determination in my decision-making or reactions. I wanted to break the taboo of dating someone from a different socioeconomic status, which is why I started dating my boyfriend Bradley about a year ago. I often find myself analyzing everything my partner says, looking for its origin in order to discover the real him: These conversations alarm me and rev up my sympathetic nervous system to withdraw from trusting him in the long run.
But then again, I realize that this is still giving authority to external circumstances to keep me content. I never fear being left because someone smarter or kinder may come along. I fear being left for a more attractive girl, or simply a different kind of beauty. I worry about getting old and losing physical beauty, but at the same time I realize that being a goddess is not a requirement to keep a man loyal. Many men cheat even when they have a goddess at home.
What puzzles me is that even though I consider my mother a very beautiful woman though lacked in other areas and know that it did not stop my father from cheating, I take physical comments to heart and I worry about losing the field to younger girls.
I wonder if I have unconsciously always gone for the wrong guys to prove myself that men are not trustworthy. I want to be OK on my own, even if no man is ever going to be loyal to me for eternity.
I want to stop worrying and being loved to be happy. Well, if some of what Martha brought up resonated with you, raise your hand. Lots of raised hands out there. Which brings me to the topic I want to talk about today: Prof Kristin Neff of the University of Texas at Austin is the pioneering researcher of self-compassion. After all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?
The most obvious one is recognizing our common humanity. And you would be wrong. Out there in Oregon, writing these thoughts to me, Martha is probably pretty sure that she is the only person in the world that has this constellation of challenges.
And yet, you the reader can probably identify with a bunch of them: Once you realize the rest of the world is also having these issues, it somehow becomes much easier to bear.
That brings us to Principle 1, Self-kindness. Some folks — especially perfectionists — have somehow internalized that there is virtue in ripping into yourself. Besides, which part of you is ripping into which part of you? Are you slapping yourself in the face with your own hand, or elbowing yourself in the stomach? Do you have any idea how weird that sounds? Stop that now before I call in the shrinks. And that brings us to Principle 3, Mindfulness.
Just go ahead and feel it fully, without letting it be your whole existence and identity. When you allow them to express fully, feelings fade over time. But if you resist them, they persist. So let them be, then let them go.
Mindfulness is also about being fully present in the moment. This happens to be the antidote to overthinking or rumination, which is what this letter is doing a lot of. Like many of you, Martha is a smart, highly-educated woman.
And like many of you, she thinks a lot about things that have never happened and may never happen. Some of these thoughts may turn into worries, which may become anxieties looming large enough to alter your daily behavior. For example, Martha talked about infidelity: What works is to do something else instead.
For those of you who are in the Bay Area on Mon Oct 3, would love to see you at my live workshop. Please drop by and say hi! Christine Marie Mason is one of the most extraordinary people I know and one of my favorite humans. She has been an entrepreneur, CEO of 6 different companies, BA and MBA graduate from Northwestern University, organizer of nine TEDx events, a yoga teacher, artist, musician, mother of six fantastic kids, grandmother, and most recently, a prison peace mentor.
We met 15 years ago at a yoga retreat, so I thought I knew her pretty well by now. What I did not know was that when Christine was 12, her young mother was murdered and left in a cornfield. She had her first child at 19, then again at 20, and still finished college and the MBA program. Her first husband eventually had a schizophrenic break and ended up losing his job and squandering all their money.
Her second husband got cancer, then proceeded to cheat on her in spectacular fashion even while Christine was helping him recuperate.
After a particularly long day in this spell of dot-com craziness, I was walking down a crowded street to catch a commuter train, when I saw my old friend Daniel. Daniel always had a ready smile. He was self-contained, a loving husband and father and accomplished professionally—at that time he was CEO of a public company, making all manner of kitchen gadgets.
That night, he was shining. It looked to me like he had shed layers of himself; he was carrying no burden. He responded in an instant. Poise does not freak out over laundry, talk too much, go 90 miles an hour to make it to a meeting, or accidentally break things due to inattention. After a great struggling 75 minutes of a vigorous athletic form of structured postures linked together by the breath we were practicing a form called Ashtanga yoga , the class arrived at Savasana , corpse pose, where we lay on our backs, arms outstretched, palms up, legs extended, letting all of our muscles relax, allowing our bones to sink into the floor, in a sort of half-state between sleeping and waking, a state of deep aware stillness.
Through the breathing, the rhythm, the turning inward of yoga—through the not turning to an external thing like whacking a tennis ball or working into the night —I found my first peace in long memory. Yoga, as it has been popularized in the west, is often practiced with pumping music. People move fast and sweat and detox. If the connection between my feet and brain does not work, how am I going to connect to other people? Nor did I know where my organs were in my belly.
My insides were like a black hole between my ribcage and my knees. Can you feel where your liver is, unless it is in pain? After a while, I found that I could lift my arches and run an energetic current up my shins and thighs and ass and heart and right out the top of my head and back down again. The power I used in previous forms of athletics to release energy was something that could be channeled and leveraged inside of the body, to heal it and balance it, and restore equilibrium and clarity to my whole organism.
The yoga practice that was handed to me started a new kind of self-inquiry: Am I aware of my breath? Where am I looking? Where are my feet? Are all four corners of my feet on the ground?
Are my arches lifted away? Where are my fingers? Are they evenly aligned or evenly spaced? Am I standing tall or leaning forwards or backwards? Where am I in space? How good is my proprioception: What am I actually feeling? What is actually happening? It was a straight line to hyperawareness. I began to learn that the body has rising and falling energies, that when it gets certain inputs it releases certain chemicals, that there is a virtuous loop between the actions of the body and the chemicals that are released, and that this cycle is autonomic until we intervene and override it.
We can start to use our breathing and our thoughts to restructure which chemicals are getting released from our minds and into our bodies. We can reprogram ourselves, literally. Once I began, it was rapid-fire study. I went to my first class, and I knew I was going to return.
Eventually, I found a connection to divine source on that quiet, meditative, sweaty little mat, something I never quite got in any traditional church. That tiny studio, with a purple Om symbol painted on the wall, above a pizza parlor in the middle of Chicago, curtains blowing in, sirens and car horns below, became a holy place.
It was there that I discovered a sense of having a permeable body: I was made of the same stuff as everything else in the universe. I wanted to go deeper. In , I went on a retreat led by power yoga founder Baron Baptiste.
His easygoing introduction to yoga philosophy, musical open laugh, softness, strength, humor and accessibility just made me happy. For example, once we stayed for a full 20 minutes in a hip opener known as frog: Somatic theory says we hold our painful memories in the body, and holding this position for this long had people in the room women especially , letting go and weeping at all the things held in the groin and hips.
I took his teacher training in Tulum, just to keep growing. Then I stumbled, or was led, into a month of teacher training in an intense, academic program that honored a deep Indian lineage, with Yogarupa Rod Stryker- and that training has continued apace for the last 15 years — from the yoga of sound, to contact yoga, to extensive breath and tantric energy work, to studying Sanskrit texts — it is an unending investigation. By investigating the body, I began to investigate the mind also, and then even deeper into relationships.
Once, early on, I was holding a yoga position called side plank for a long time. This position requires the body to form a long, firm, extended board, placing one hand on the floor, the other to the ceiling, and balancing between the side of the bottom foot and the palm of the hand, holding the belly snug and the hips high.
It can be rigorous. My arms started shaking; my balance was challenged. I invite you to look at your reaction to that. Are you feeling proud, or maybe the inverse: How can you be kind to yourself in this moment, play your edge, and take responsibility for your experience? How much are your own thoughts and reactions responsible for your own suffering?
If side plank was hard, the other big practice, seated meditation, was harder. Sitting still, harboring a quiet mind, initially felt impossible.
Even two minutes of meditation felt interminable. Every part of me resisted. To make it easier, all kinds of techniques were offered: Watch your breath right where it enters and exits the nostrils, imagine a flame, say a mantra.
But it was all just practice to do one thing: To become a watcher of my own thoughts. But if I am watching my thoughts, who is thinking the thoughts?
These thoughts must be separately constructed. I am not my thoughts. And if I am not my thoughts, I can un-identify and manipulate them to a better outcome. Lo and behold, this was true. By watching and stopping unhelpful patterns of thinking, I learned that I could change the day-to-day experience of life in my body. Well, maybe one person. For example, I learned to not judge a rising emotion or thought — just to see it as neutral energy. If all thoughts and actions are only energy, neither positive nor negative, I can transmute it.
I can remove the negative element, and just use the energy. If an unsettling thought would arise, I would ask myself, what can I do other than sit here or numb out through work or busyness or sex or distraction? What can I do to not numb out, to really feel and then leverage the emotion? Can I channel it into awareness, creative force, or even just let it pass through me? Most of the productivity and creativity in the last decade has been the result of having learned to transmute whatever intense emotion is coming up into an activity or action that is in touch with experience, rather than pushing it away.
Now, if I have disturbing thoughts, I can choose to be matter of fact: With yoga, the recovery time from these disturbances, delusions and illusions and suffering is shorter. It takes hardly any time anymore to come back, maybe a minute or two of breathing and —there it is!
This is especially useful in navigating the daily kind of potential offenses in traffic or in the supermarket parking lot — is this my best self acting here? Yoga roots me in a life-giving and life-affirming place, rather than the old soup of pervasive inadequacy. It has made me strong, mentally and physically. The yogic ideal is strength and suppleness, being rooted yet able to reach, the perfect combination of grounded and flexible. There is an Indian fable that puts it sweetly: Ananta is strong enough to support the world, yet soft enough to be a couch for the gods.
I started going to class to feel better, and fell in love with the practice, and it gave me back my life. That translates into bringing others along with you. Whatever you know, you are obligated to pass on: Those who know must teach. If you know, you owe. Teaching yoga, helping one person at a time find the tools and technologies to achieve the Poise of the Soul, is a great gift.
I sometimes teach Vinyasa flow classes. Sometimes, I teach extremely stiff people, and witness what it means to grow old without being connected to your body—it is not for the faint of heart. But I also see the relief they get from a single new insight or opening into a joint or the breath. It makes me recall my very first practice, and remember each time a teacher gave me a new posture or an insight. It reawakens gratitude and it gifts me with joyful learning.
If you enjoyed what you just read, download a page excerpt at http: Click here to sign up and get automatically reminded of when it happens. That whole story I tell about having written the book before my sex-change operation?
I made it all up. And yet, here I am, dispensing advice to womenfolk on being a better woman. In fact, many of you, my readers, are plenty wise. Julie has an unusual perspective on all of this:. He told her he had kids from a previous relationship and lived alone. She was in a long distance relationship with him for months before I found out who she was and told her the truth.
It was a very sexually active and enthusiastic physical relationship in our marriage, and we were not fighting or distant. He was a messed up human being inside who was a very good actor. It just takes one broken person. He had been binge drinking on work trips, too, and I never knew. He was a mess across the board.
But the kicker is, she believed his lies long-distance and got back together with him. All while he was still lying to her about various things. They eventually broke up, but she still thinks she had some great love with him and even said nobody knows him like she does.
After seeing what long distance looked like that way, how easily it all was hidden whereas I discovered his behavior within two weeks of it starting , I would never advise it to anybody. He had a breakdown in life and the affair was only part of it. He messed up his friends, family, work, and finances at the same time too.
Of course long distance can be done. People have made it. Or than seeing a sudden change in a married partner or dating partner locally would likely be. Such a great letter! The other woman has no way of getting to know the cheating husband very well, so she constructs out of whole cloth this whole story about how great he is. Another great letter on the topic of long-distance relationships comes from Marcy. Her perspective is slightly different:.
We saw each other every couple of months for days until I moved to be with him and talked obsessively, both sacrificing countless relationships with people who were available locally. Was it worth it? In a way, yes! We have two children and built a relatively stable, often happy, in person life together that has lasted longer than many traditional marriages.
But I would likely never do it again. And we WERE genuinely compatible in the ways we experienced. Long distance relationships allow you to idealize positive traits for an extended period of time while grossly undervaluing negative traits. The intensity of the sex once you finally see each other, coupled with the future planning, almost guarantees it.
Sex was intensely magical at a distance, but soon became detached and uncompromising once we saw each other regulary. Sunk costs began playing their part: We married and began moving towards a sexless marriage in my late 20s. Now in my mid 30s, we have neither kissed nor had sex in years. You have no idea what someone is doing while it appears that they are deeply engaged in a chat with you.
While imagined him laying on his bed staring at his laptop screen in anticipation of my messages, my husband was undoubtedly playing videogames the vast majority of the time we were chatting. This became apparent when we moved in together and I realized that he struggled to look at me during conversations or have any serious face-to-face interactions with me at all.
In fact, this was one of the greatest downfalls in our marriage. My husband is a gamer and much prefer spending large portions of his free time engaging online friends. This did not change when I moved and is an enormous incompatibility that I downplayed. Playing video games alone is more fun than talking in person which he hates , or playing with our children which he dislikes , or even having sex.
He also prefers exceptional amounts of emotional distance, evident in seeking a long-distance relationship. You can insist on having separate hobbies, circles of friends, or vacations. You can subscribe to a multi-partner lifestyle like polyamory or swinging. Women picking matches for their friends: But what if there was an app that let you pick matches for your friends?
Would that be more useful? Recently I came across such a collaborative matchmaking app. So you get to meet dates that you have friends or interests in common with, as opposed to the stream of randos you see on most dating apps.
Am I totally convinced this works? But it does seems worthy of a closer look. A few months ago, I gave a TEDx talk third one! The Five Pillars of Authentic Success. The first of the five pillars is Intimate Relationships. To be fair, the talk is not entirely about dating. But The Tao of Dating has always been about the whole person anyway, because dating brings into play all of who you are.
Why do you think half the book is about yoga, meditation, mindfulness, gratitude and other happiness practices? The Tao of Dating Superfan Contest for the ladies only. Some of you have listened to the audiobook over 20 times. Some of you have gotten copies of the book for a dozen friends.
Some of you have memorized entire passages. Some of you sleep with a copy of it in your pillowcase, even thought it makes the pillow lumpy. This makes Kip sad, of course, because he still has or so books on him, and he just wants to be held and read — preferably in your bed because well Kip is a guy duh. Some of the illustrious titles in this library:. So just to make this clear: Below is how you score points.
If I come up with more ways to score points, I will let you know. The talk has 5 themes: How to get better at selecting men: Avoiding psychopaths and sociopaths. The heart-spine selection criteria. Avoiding Bad Boys in favor of selecting Good Guys. How to present the best possible version of you. How to find him at his best: Set up dating so you win.
How to avoid unforced errors: We covered a lot of ground during the workshop. More specifically, I talked about six themes: Here are some simple ways you can get out of the way of your own success: Some of you were kind enough to answer my second survey question: In the meantime, here are the preliminary results of the survey.
This response summarized the challenge nicely: It turns out to be a source of considerable concern for a lot of ladies, as this poignant response shows: First, the letter from reader Lainie: You should take up needlepoint. The jerk is also predictable: Not very interesting or pleasant.
A Big Question for You As I sit here in front of a computer screen with nary a reader of mine in sight, I often ask myself: Go forth and conquer, Dr Ali PS: Active vs passive interest. How is he looking at you? Is he interested in you specifically, or just women in general?
Having been that interested guy often, here are some things that come to mind: You are not a potted plant: Pick one depending on your level of interest and boldness: The praise sandwich has three components: Start with praise and appreciation, e. End with praise and appreciation, e. This makes it less personal, so even if the unsavory things about him are true, he can hold his head up high and legitimately count you as a friend.
Some of the questions we covered: What do you do when most of the guys you meet are younger than you? How about an emotionally unavailable guy?
How do you make him open up? Why is it that you always read about women having to change, but not men? The 15min excerpt below talks about the prime directives in male and female behavior, and how that creates three choices for strong women when it comes to choosing and relating to a man: Other topics covered in this talk: The two components of partnership with a Good Guy: Go forth and conquer, Dr Ali.
A few ways of doing that: Is there a central glitch in the human mate-selection operating system, and if so, how is it showing up in your life? Look forward to seeing you soon, Dr Ali. I understand that many of you had a rough week. So if you are not feeling tip-top, here are some ways to improve your resilience and bounce back, pronto: And just so you can have even more faith in yourself, here are two resources straight from my secret stash that have been very useful to me: All the best, Dr Ali.
I am not exaggerating when I say these folks are the best at what they do: Or the fact that even though he truly loves me, thinks the world of me and would do anything for me, he believes that any relationship will become routine. Whereas I believe that maybe most of us get married for the wrong reasons, and we simply mistakenly label different emotions as love, and so we inevitably would end up not content with our marriage and choose to leave or cheat.
All humans suffer, however. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Use the rubber-band technique. Wear a rubber band around your wrist. Any time you start to worry, ruminate or overthink, snap yourself so it stings a little. Your brain will very rapidly learn to stop doing the behavior that leads to the snap. You can kick habits like this in less than a week — sometimes in as little as two days. This also works for other habits like complaining, gossiping or eating brownies.
Get yourself a Pavlok. Instead of just a snap, the Pavlok delivers an actual electric shock to your skin, I kid thee not. You can program it to help you get up on time, quit smoking, exercise more, stop biting your nails, or kick a social media habit. I get on this hobbyhorse at least once per post, so might as well tell you again: Meditation is the ultimate antidote to rumination.
Your challenges are common. You are not alone. Many of those challenges can be overcome through practices like mindfulness, gratitude, self-compassion, and meditation. If the letter resonated with you, share your thoughts in the comments.
All the best, Dr Ali PS: The Poise of the Soul After a particularly long day in this spell of dot-com craziness, I was walking down a crowded street to catch a commuter train, when I saw my old friend Daniel. I kept going back to class, initially just for that Savasana. Connecting to the Body Yoga, as it has been popularized in the west, is often practiced with pumping music.
Who is thinking these thoughts? Maybe one hundred percent. Strong like that, and equally soft. The Wisdom of Women: Julie has an unusual perspective on all of this: Her perspective is slightly different: Click here for the rules. Get points for each of the activities below. Tally them up and leave your total in the comments. Only I can see your email address, and it will remain anonymous.
Person with the highest points by Some of the illustrious titles in this library: Nonviolent Communication , by Marshall Rosenberg Mindset: Include your username to verify.
Watch one of my three TEDx Talks.